In Today's Boobie News...

And NOW.... three stories about Mammalian Protuberances...

#1
Bargain shopping is a great way to save money. But it's not the best thing to do when you're looking for a doctor to perform SURGERY on your mommy. Unfortunately, 46-year-old Maria Alaimo of Staten Island, New York, learned that one the hard way. In 2003, Maria decided she was going to get a BOOB JOB. So she went online, and finally settled on a plastic surgeon with reasonable rates named Dr. Keith Berman. But Dr. Berman botched Maria's procedure, leaving her with excessive scarring, as well as two softball-sized lumps on top of her lady lumps. Or as Maria refers to them, quote, "double-bubble deformities" that make it look like she has four fun-bags instead of two. Anyway, Maria was distraught, and her deformed breasts killed her self-esteem. Things got so bad that she even stopped letting her husband Dominic see her naked, which caused a bunch of intimacy issues and eventually led to their divorce. Now Maria's suing Dr. Berman for $5 MILLION for her pain, suffering and . . . well . . . for basically destroying her life. Maria says her breasts were, quote, "grossly misshapen . . . my nipples were up to my chin . . . I was deformed." The case is ongoing.


#2
Daniel Angerer is the chef at a restaurant in New York City called Klee Brasserie.
A few months ago, his wife Lori gave birth to their daughter. And like any real man would, Daniel decided to seize the opportunity by making CHEESE out of his wife's BREAST MILK. You probably didn't even know you COULD make cheese out of human breast milk. Or that anyone would ever want to. But it turns out you can, and Daniel did. He says, quote, "After two weeks aging, it was somewhat like a raw-milk cheese; it had all the flavors in there. It tastes just like really sweet cow's milk. "Being a chef, you're curious about anything in terms of flavor; you look out for something new and what you can do with it. "It wasn't like, 'Hey, this is such an amazing cheese.' It's just like, 'Can you use human milk? Yes, you absolutely can!'" In case you're wondering, Daniel's NOT serving the breast-milk cheese at Klee because he doesn't think the FDA would be cool with it.... Good call, Daniel.

#3
Ladies . . . this is just a heads-up to let you know that according to the law, your BREASTS are considered a deadly weapon. At least that's what I take from this story. Last Thursday, 31-year-old Toni Tramel was arrested for public intoxication in Owensboro, Kentucky. It was a misdemeanor charge, and Toni probably would have gotten off with just a small fine. But while she was changing into an inmate uniform at the jail, Toni squirted the guard in the face with her BREAST MILK. Under the letter of the law, breast milk is treated just like any other bodily fluid. And Toni was slapped with a third-degree felony assault charge as a result. Now she's being held on $10,000 bond, and if she's convicted she could get up to five years in prison. All because she got wasted and squirted a cop in the face with her breast milk.